Monday, March 10, 2014

Confessions of a non-breeder

If you have been following me you probably know about my desire not to have kids. This has been on my mind a lot lately. It seems like everyone and their mother is pregnant at the moment. And right now I have a lot of time on my hands to contemplate life.

Even though I do not want kids, I have a Pinterest board about "If an act of God happens." Sometimes I wonder if this secretly means I want children. On the flip side, I also have a Pinterest board about why I do not want kids.

Even though I do not want kids, I have a name picked out for both a boy and girl. For a boy's name, Charles' family has a tradition. One generation is named Charles Thomas and the next is Lawrence Anthony. If we have a son, I think I would call him Lawryn (pronounced Lorn) or Laurie (from Little Women...although it sounds kind of girly). And if we have a girl, her name will be Evie Noel. We picked that out many, many years ago and I love it.

Even though I do not want kids, I know how I will tell Charles if I ever get pregnant.

I worry that I will regret not having kids one day when it is too late.

We are sooooooo far from family and friends. I am very self-sufficient and probably could handle having a kid, but I would prefer to be closer to everyone. And there is no guarantee that we will any time soon.

One of my main deterrents for having children is the pregnancy part. I think if I could skip being pregnant, but still have a child that is biologically both Charles' and mine I would be more agreeable on the issue. Nothing about pregnancy sounds appealing. I know it is a miracle and women seem to love feeling the kicks and having something growing inside of them. This freaks me out.

I feel left out of the "women club." I feel like an outsider. I often feel like I do not belong to my gender.

Anytime I think I might be pregnant, I do get a little excited for the possibility.

The times I think I might want kids are when I am watching major life moments...graduations, weddings, etc. I think it would be nice to share these moments with a child. 

I am scared to have kids partly because I do not think I would be a good disciplinarian. I do not want spoiled children. But I am a softy. I was talking with some ladies about annoying children. They were saying how they feel comfortable telling a random child (politely, but firmly) not to do something. The example given was a kid ran a cart into one of the ladies and she told him not to do that again. If a random kid ran a cart into me I would just walk away. I know it is probably TOTALLY different with your own kids. I just do not feel confident about it.

I hate the pressure from family to have a baby. If we ever do decide to have kids I do not want anyone thinking it is partly because of them.

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